Happy Thursday (originally wrote this on Thursday but it’s actually now saturday hahaha) and we’re half way through the mini series! I would be lying if I said this was easy to post every day on a very busy week, but true to why I wanted to do it, it’s allowed me to slow down and really appreciate this past year and celebrate Maddy.
I’ve been thinking about what to write about all day and I have yet to feel confident about an idea, but here we are at 12 am again and I’m just going to go for it.
Today let’s talk about…
3 misconceptions I had about being a parent
I’m limiting myself to three even though I’m sure there’s more because I’m planning to sleep tonight! Here we go!
Let’s start with a little bit of background. In a previous blog post I mentioned that I have always loved working/playing with kids. My jobs always revolved around baby sitting or teaching, and prior to being married and being a mom, my favorite role was being an aunty!! My sister is 12 years older than me and so at the ripe age of 17, I became an aunty for the first time and it was the very best. I’ve watched Elliott and Oliver grow to the fine young boys that they are now and I’ve seen it all. I’ve saw the pregnancies, I saw the contractions, I saw postpartum. I saw the boys grow right before my eyes and knew it all would pass quickly, but even that couldn’t have prepared me for my own. I saw the boys make mistakes, I saw them learn from them. I saw my sister make mistakes, and I saw her learn from them too. I’m so thankful for the experience and I still learn from Elliott and Oliver and my sister! All to say, you really can never be fully ready for the transition into motherhood.Some of my favorite conversations with Tim since Maddy’s been born usually start with “remember when so and so told us this about parenting?” Not to say we are not appreciative of all the advice people gave us. If anything, one of the biggest lessons I’ve learned as a mom is that truly one size does NOT fit all. Some people swear by baby led weaning and some don’t. Some people swear by sleep training and for others it just doesn’t work out. So please take these misconceptions lightly as I’m not saying it was completely incorrect, it just wasn’t what I anticipated.
Misconception 1: You will hate your spouse after marriage
We heard from A LOT of friends and we’ve heard a lot of stories about how husbands and wives just hate each other during postpartum. It made sense to me when I heard it. Emotions are running high, the transition to having a new person is difficult, you don’t know what your preferences are until the baby is here so it’s hard to talk about those things. It just made sense when we heard it. This was something I was so anxious about. 2 months before Maddy’s arrival, I became really emotional anytime I thought about this. We would be sitting on the couch watching TV and I would get so sad because I loved everything about our marriage. It wasn’t perfect, but we were growing and I loved being married to him. We talked about it on several occasions and one of my favorite memories is Tim assuring me that sure, our marriage would change and we didn’t know how or to what extent, but he knew we could prepare ourselves and pray. And we prayed right on the spot on several occasions! I’d feel better but the feelings would come here and there.
The thing about this misconception is that it’s not far from the truth. Your marriage really does change and I completely understand why so many people say this. However, in our situation, I really enjoy watching Tim be a dad and I love him more than I did last year! Sure we’re not spending as much one on one time together watching shows or going on as many dates, but those have been us taking walks with Maddy, us valuing our rare date nights even more than we did, and it has become us finding creative ways to spend certain nights after Maddy is asleep.
There is a new love not just for Maddy, but for one another that only happened when Maddy came around! So yes, it’s tough sometimes. We are more tired, more easily triggered, and there are more things to fight about… but we also have more respect for one another, we love each other more, and we’re more grateful to be able to journey through life together.
Here’s a photo from one of our first date nights after Maddy was born :’)
Misconception 2: You'll drift apart from your friends who are not in the same life stage.
Just like the first misconception, I completely understand where this comes from. And sure, it may not be an actual misconception for some people, but what I want to emphasize is that it doesn’t have to be. Tim and I are the first ones in our closest friend group to have a kid! This was not our plan but during pregnancy and after 12 months of Maddy being around, we are always so blown away by how well our friends have loved on us and Maddy. During pregnancy, my girl friends would come and laze around the house with me. They helped me build Maddy’s furniture, they always asked what I wanted to eat/what my cravings were, and more importantly, they knew that a lot of times I just wanted to be treated the same! I still wanted to do escape rooms, I still wanted to meet them for dinners even after being 3cm dilated, and they were down and ready to drive me to the hospital if needed!
After Maddy came around, my friends continued to come over. They came over to see Maddy AND to hang out with me. They came over and didn’t pressure me to host them. They helped me by holding her, feeding her, and gave me lots of moments to breathe and just feel like myself. They brought food, boba, and sent us lots of encouragement. Maddy is so loved by all her aunties and uncles, both with and without children. But i’ve really enjoyed watching our friends without kids embrace her and love her. In fact, I feel closer than ever with these friends because I always knew they were the best, but watching them continue to embrace parts of our family that they don’t have to, is truly so heart warming. Some of them say Maddy is our group baby and it really feels that way. Thank you friends for embracing Maddy and the changes that come with a baby. We never take your generosity and love lightly and we are so excited for Maddy to continue to grow with our village. But also please have babies soon because Maddy had enough time being our group baby hahaha
Misconception 3: Your Life is Over
Hahah this one cracks me up. I’m sure people don’t actually mean it, but when some people said it, it really did feel like they were saying this was truth. If I were to rephrase this… I’d say your old life is over, but a new one is beginning and it’s even better. Sure there are times when Tim and I have to miss out on fun activities. When friends talk about trips or doing things late at night or far away, we definitely have a new schedule to consider, but I wouldn’t say our lives are over! When this happens I’ll ask Tim if he misses what life was like before Maddy, and we both agree that while it’s different, our lives are so much better now and the sacrifices we make because of her, i.e. not going to new years parties, not being able to stay out late, etc, are more than worth it. But also, I’m really thankful that Tim is supportive of me having my girl time and I LOVE it when he goes to hang out with his guys! We also love the friends we have together, but something about still getting time away without baby is very refreshing. For Tim’s 30th, he enjoyed a trip with his friends alone for a couple days, and when I had a friend’s birthday, he encouraged me to go overnight as well! I know this seems a bit crazy to some people because Maddy isn’t even one, but I love that Tim and I recognize the importance of having our girl and guy time because I really believe those friend times allow us to be better spouses for one another AND allow us to be better parents to Maddy. But even with trips away and hangouts away from Maddy, we also love bringing her with us to places! Sure it’s more difficult and requires lots of snacks and planning, but experiencing things we’ve done so many times with Maddy is so special. I love every moment of being her mom even the hard moments.
So this post has taken me officially one whole day to write and I’m now TWO days behind, but it’s okay because I needed the rest 🙂
I hope this post encourages others to know that while having a baby is the end of many things, it’s the beginning of so much more! We’re only 12 months in, and we can’t imagine being anywhere else in life.
