Today is Maddy’s first birthday, and even though I fell behind one day of this series, I’m still proud that we’re powering through! I have a lot to say about my little baby turning one, but i’ll probably save it all for more posts later on.
I thought really hard about what I should make the last two posts of the series and I decided that my second to last post will be a letter to myself one year ago, and my last will be a letter to Maddy. It may seem silly and it DOES feel a little silly to write a letter to myself, but the letter is symbolic to me because it reflects the growth I made not just as a mom this year, but as a person. I know the moments of my life before Maddy will continue to blur stronger and stronger because life without Maddy already seems so long ago. So let’s start this letter and see where it goes!!
Dear Patty (before Maddy),
Time feels slow and fast all at once and I know you’re feeling scared, excited, anxious, and uncertain. You’re 9 months pregnant, so uncomfortable, but also so not ready to meet baby girl. You haven’t slept well because you’re uncomfortable and your mind is racing constantly thinking if you’re going to forget something important for baby or if you should watch another birthing video to prepare yourself more.
Well, it’s been a year and I want to tell you that you’re baby girl arrives and she’s healthy and happy. You’re a MOM of a beautiful baby girl and you both make it to one year!!! You’re a different person than you were before. You’re stronger yet more tired. You’re happier, yet more busy. The feeling of not being able to grasp that you have a baby girl doesn’t magically disappear. One year later and there are still moments every single day where you think to yourself “is this baby girl really mine?”
For the last year you woke up next to Maddy every day except 2 days. It’s the best, even if she wakes you up much earlier than you expected. The quietness of each morning is your special time together. She is smiley, bright eyed, and loves reading with you. You held her every day, prayed with her every day, and told her you loved her everyday. You’ve gone on countless walks, changed endless diapers, done laundry more than you could ever imagine and spent lots of money on clothes and toys that baby grows out of so quickly. But it’s okay because you love your baby girl more than you could ever imagine. Anything and everything you could’ve imagined life would be like is 100x better, I promise.
You made it 8 months of exclusively pumping. You made it through those crazy first 100 days. You made it through labor and it wasn’t too bad. You are far from the perfect mom, but that’s okay, you’re really doing your best. You make a lot of mistakes along the way, accidentally pulling off her umbilical cord, not being attentive enough so she falls off the bed, feeling so frustrated and angry at her sometimes. You are truly far from the perfect mom, but Maddy still loves you and you’re learning. You’re showing up for her daily, giving her your best, and her hugs and smiles of forgiveness make the world keep spinning.
Most shocking of all is that you’re learning to cook for baby girl. You’re not pumping out 2-3 meals daily, figuring out how certain foods work together and how to provide nutritious meals for her. The name you and Tim end up picking for her fits her perfectly.
You and Tim are stronger than ever, albeit you bicker more at times but you love him more than you did a year ago and you’re more grateful for him than you could ever imagine. So don’t worry. It’s going to be okay.
You are SO grateful for your family and friends. They are the backbone to your family, keeping the three of you afloat. You will never believe how much love Maddy gets from your family and friends. How silly of you to be scared of drifting apart from friends or family because if anything, Maddy has brought you closer as you’ve seen these friends step up and love a part of you so selflessly and so fully. Your best friends visit you almost every week and make it easy for you to still be included socially while also allowing you to be available for Madelyn. Your friends, both guys and girls, love Maddy and it just feels right to have her there at lunches after church or birthday parties. Just as much as they love her, she loves them back. She loves being around them and she isn’t afraid of the loudness or craziness. It’s like she knew from the womb that these are her people too.
You find a new job and it’s perfect for your family as you adjust. You’re still doing what you love and spending time with your baby.
This past year you rely more than ever on prayer. There are days when you feel helpless and exhausted but God continues to provide for you. He heals your hurt and exhaustion and failures and gives you strength to keep showing up for Maddy.
And lastly, slow down. Every day moves slowly but months pass by faster than you could imagine. Savor every sweet smile Maddy gives you, live in the moment and don’t worry about always capturing the moment in a picture or video because they’ll be missed. Savor every night you have with Tim and every moment you have for yourself because those are more rare than before.
This letter isn’t long because the year you will have speaks for itself. Just know, you’re doing it. You are not the same person you were a year ago, but that’s not where you’re supposed to be. Maddy has changed you for the better and so much of yourself and Tim are in her yet she is so much better than both of you too. Trust in God and keep walking forward with gratitude. You don’t need to be perfect, you just need to be present. It’s going to be the best year of your life, there is nothing that could have prepared you for it. Stay true to yourself, stay faithful to God, and get ready because your heart is about to grow 100x bigger. Get ready for a wild and wonderful ride.
Sincerely,
Patty (post Maddy)
PC: Channy Kwon :’)
