A Countdown to Maddy’s First: Post 7 of 7

My sweet sweet baby, happy birthday to you! I’m writing this as I watch you sleep and I can’t help but think, you’re truly better than anything my younger self could have dreamt. I can’t believe that we made it! To you, it might not seem like a big deal, but we made it! We made it a whole year. These past 365 days you’ve grown SO well. You are growing well in height and weight, you’re learning new things every day, and you’re so curious about how the world works. Last year when I held you for the first time, I remember the first time I looked at you. I was so scared about a lot of things…. you’ll likely understand one day when you become a mom too, but in that moment when I held you, my fears melted away for a bit and all I knew was that you were meant to be ours. How lucky am I to be your mom? How lucky is 아빠 to be your dad? From the first moment to a year later, there has not been a moment where I wished we had any other baby or that our lives were any different. God made you for us and sometimes at night I still hold your hand like I held it the first time I met you. I sneak my pointer finger in between your hands, now much larger than they were a year ago, and I thank God for giving us you, our sweet sweet girl. 

I used to think that I was a flexible person and that I didn’t worry very much, but you’ve proved me wrong. I am so particular about you! For your first 6 months, I documented every feeding, every wake and sleep window. I googled countless hours things like the best diapers, the right clothes to put you in for the exact degree of temperature inside and out. I researched crib covers, clothing material, car seat covers and bibs. The list is endless but what you’ve taught me is that when you love someone as much as I love you, things that once seemed silly and a waste of time, are completely worth it. I didn’t know how to cook before you came around, but look! I’m cooking almost 3 meals a day for you, and you’re eating so well. The crazy thing is that you don’t demand the best from me, but there is not a single part of me that wouldn’t do the best I can for you. I wonder what I’ll be like as you get older. Your’e changing me constantly, and while there are days I grieve my past self, there are far more days I celebrate the new person you’ve made me. 

So here we are. You’re one years old and so silly and so sweet. Your new favorite thing is holding mommy and 아빠’s hand. You love sitting on us and you’re happiest when we’re both with you. You love your pacifier but you give it to me most of the times I ask. You love your books, you love cooking, and most of all you love the outdoors. You love it when we pray, but not too long because you’ll start eating if it’s too long. You walk non-stop and you love throwing and kicking balls. You love flowers and your stuffies, and being around others (but not too many people at once). You loveee dogs and bath time, typing on our computers and have a new love for finger painting and stickers. You’re not a fan of sleeping, car rides, and blankets that cover your feet. You don’t like it when mommy leaves for work, but neither do I. You won’t remember these things about yourself now, but I love all these things about you right now and I can’t wait to see how else you grow this upcoming year. 

Maddy, my prayer for you this upcoming year is that you continue to grow your love for God and others. The bible tells us “a new commandment I give to you, that you love one another: just as I have loved you, you also are to love one another.” You are so loved by your family and all the aunties and uncles, but this love they show you is christ-like love! But even more so, may you experience and know that God loves you far more than ANY of us (even mom and 아빠) could love you. I pray your life be dedicated to Christ always, but that your experience of Christ-like love allows you to embrace and love others as well. I know this sounds silly, but sometimes when you rest your head on me, or when you come up to grab my hand, I know that God is showing me such a tender love through you. 

You’re not the same little newborn I brought home a year ago, and I’m not the same person I was a year ago either. We are growing together. We are more confident, we are more curious. You’re curious about who you are in this world and I’m curious about who you’ll continue to grow to be. I keep stealing looks at you right now because I want time to pause, but that doesn’t happen. So i’m trying my best to cling to every detail so that it’ll forever be in my memory and my heart. Sometimes I get sad that I don’t remember certain parts of your newborn stage, but then I think about all the fun things you’re doing now and I know this will how life will continue to be. They’ll be a time when you turn 12 and then 18 then 25, and 80. You won’t be wobbly when you run, and you won’t need my hand to walk up or down the stairs. You won’t need me or appa to read you books, and you won’t need me to dress you. You wont need me to put you to sleep or bathe you, so even though I’m tired now, I don’t want to take these moments for granted. I love that I can do all these things for you right now and I’m already grieving your independence!! But no matter how much you can do for yourself, you’ll always be my baby, no matter how old you are. I’ll always bend over backwards to help you, even if it looks different than it does right now. I’ll be clapping for you for different reasons, and I’ll be holding your hand through different life stages. You’re only one but I already see so much of your dad in you and I see me in your  You’ll always be my Madelyn. 

Maddy, thank you for the best year of my life. I’m a girl mom!!!!!!! I can’t believe it, but what I can’t believe even more is that I LOVE IT. Words can’t express how much love your 아빠 and I have for you. You love us so well even though we have our faults, and we vow to continue to do our best for you. I  hope your future birthdays come slower than this past year :’). I love you forever my sweet baby. Please keep growing well, eating well. Please sleep well this year (haha) and please never forget how much we love you. You are so so precious to us.