The phrase “I’ll sleep when I’m dead” feels extremely applicable this week. It’s day 3 of sleeping past 1am because of DIY-ing some of Maddy’s party decorations, and committing to this mini series. No regrets though! I’ve honestly felt extremely motivated this week to keep the blog posts coming and I enjoy crafting. So here we go! Post 3 of 7! This will be a shorter post though because my goal is to not sleep at 3:30am again. My content box is already feeling empty but I’m really going to try to keep this going! Today was a bit of a rough day at work, so I feel like it’s an appropriate time to talk about…
Adjusting Back to Work
Before Maddy came along, I always thought I wouldn’t enjoy being a stay at home mom. I really do love being an occupational therapist and I don’t take lightly all the sacrifices my parents, Pris and Jer, and Tim made just so I could pursue school. So when Maddy came along, I really had to think about what was next especially career wise. When I went on maternity leave, I had just finished about a year and a half at an outpatient pediatric setting and was so thankful for the experience they had given me. I was open to going back, but when Maddy came, I knew realistically it wasn’t going to work. The drive was far, the hours were long, and the compensation wouldn’t make it worth it.
In short, I ended up doing some interviews 2 months after Maddy’s birth and secured a home health pediatric therapist position. I was excited about working at a new company, I was a bit nervous about the change, but I knew that God had given me what I asked for. He gave me a job that incorporated a lot of flexibility, higher per hour pay so I could cut some hours to be with Maddy more, and a job in early intervention (my preferred age range hehe). I was just excited about the job but didn’t think much about it because when I accepted, I told them I still wanted to be home for another month with Maddy.
Tim and I anticipated that the transition back would be difficult. I LOVED being home with Maddy and at month 3, I still felt like she needed me. I was not excited to go back and knew it would likely be mentally, emotionally, and physically draining. Thankfully, Tim was able to delay his paternity so he took 3 months off when I went back to work. We knew it would be hard but having Tim at home with Maddy was sure to give me the most peace of mind possible.
So on June 12, I started work! Maddy just turned 3 months and I was D.R.E.A.D.I.N.G the return. Two days leading up to work, I was the worst. I was moody, angry, really sad, and spent a lot of time crying (i’m so sorry Tim). Tim was understanding but he also didn’t take my crap hahaha. He called me out for wasting away two days being moody instead of celebrating the time I did have with Maddy. I knew he was right and I (in hindsight) always appreciate the way Tim is able to call me out in love. He also was very open about reminding me that my emotions were not my own. Me being so worked up made him feel guilty he couldn’t provide enough for me to stay at home and that was never my intention or expectations for him. I’m sharing this not because it’s easy for me to admit these thoughts, but because I know for a fact that many other parents go through this struggle and I want you to know that we’re all figuring it out.
Now that I’m 9 months back to working, I do still want to validate that what I was feeling was okay. I was sad because I recognized that Maddy was growing every day and I’d realistically miss parts of seeing that because I was off to work. I was anxious about starting a new job. I was worried that I’d be expending energy on treating other children and have very little energy for my own. If i’m being very honest… I still feel those things when I do leave for work. The adjustment was definitely not easy, but I even on that very first day, I couldn’t deny how faithful God was in his timing and with where he placed me. The days leading up to the start, two people I relied heavily on were my Mom and Sister. I knew that both would understand where I was coming from because they both weren’t stay at home moms. My sister is now, but it wasn’t always that way! She actually returned back to work soon after Elliott was born and I remember her being a beast at work and as a new mom. I want to share the encouragement I received from both my mom and sister. I saved these screenshots because I remember crying as I read them and thinking to myself two things 1) how thankful I am that God had placed these two women in my life and 2) I want to be this for Maddy one day. Also below is a picture of Maddy and me on my last day of paternity leave :’)
When I returned to work, I originally started with about a 25 client caseload. That averages to about 27-30 hours a week and I was working 5 days. That first day of work was hard but also I think God knew exactly what I needed. After seeing my first few clients, the job felt RIGHT. And how crazy is it that after several months of not working, I felt assured that this is where I was meant to be? I loved working with my clients and I loved the families. Everything about work felt like muscle memory. It felt comfortable and enjoyable. Tim was great about sending me pictures of Maddy and updating me. I was already an exclusive pumper so Maddy’s milk schedule wasn’t disrupted, and I was figuring out how to pump on the go. A month in, we decided that I should cut down some hours (and it happened naturally with the nature of working in early intervention). I wasn’t able to do a lot of things for home working 5 days a week like laundry, grocery shopping, etc. So we adjusted. Then several months later, we adjusted again and I decided to not work on Mondays because Maddy was growing more curious and I wanted to spend time with her and guide her development. Each time I cut back hours, Tim was so SO supportive. We made adjustment and we’re still figuring it out. Tim and I have worked really hard to figure out what’s been best for our family right now. IT IS NOT PERFECT and we are not perfect. There are days where we are both tired and we say hurtful things or snap at one another, but we are both doing our best and at the end of the day we recognize that and appreciate that in one another.
At the end of the day, what is most important to our family is that Madelyn is growing well and thriving. We aren’t worried about our next meal and we get to spend a lot of time loving on Maddy. When Tim returned to work after his 3 months off, my 어머님 (mother in law) started watching Maddy and we love it! She is so great with Maddy and Maddy learns so much from her. She now runs to hug 어머님 and 아버님 (father in law) every time they come and while sometimes she whines when I leave, I know that she’s safe and enjoying her time. Sure we’re open to daycare one day (we’re on a waitlist) but right now this works for our family and we are so grateful for the love Maddy receives. Unfortunately my paternal grandparents passed away early and so did my maternal grandpa. My grandma lives in Hong Kong so I only see her occasionally, so for me to see Maddy with her grandparents is SO SO special.
Hehe looking back at old pictures, this was one of the first photos Tim sent me on my first day of work AND a photo of the delicious meal Tim cooked me to celebrate my return to work. I LOVE THEM BOTH SO MUCH.
I want to end this post with two things. The first thing is I want to tell every working mom that YOU ARE DOING GREAT. Mom guilt is so real. I’m always wondering if what i’m doing is the best for Maddy and I wish there was a clear answer, but there’s not. Everything has a season and some seasons are harder than others and some are so much more enjoyable than others. Those first few adjustment weeks were so hard. Then it was hard again at 5 months and then it’s getting hard again! But my love for Maddy doesn’t change because I’m at work. In fact, I had several moms message me encouragements and I love hearing from other moms who struggled/are struggling through the same thing. Also, if you’re a stay at home mom, EVEN MORE power to you because I also don’t even know if I could manage that haha. Lord knows that being a stay at home mom is equally if not more tiring most of the time. Your job is often thankless and you’re working 24/7. So to every mom, in every season, let’s keep going!!
Secondly, I want to end with emphasizing again how grateful I am to have the job that I have. Not every day is easy, and every day I leave for work I still miss Maddy. But this is exactly what I prayed to God for all those years ago when I wasn’t sure if I should pursue OT. I asked him to make it clear that i should be an OT, and he got me into school. I asked him to let me figure out a way to help families and he’s given me a job where I’m working very closely in home with a lot of families. If this isn’t an example of God’s faithfulness, then what is?
Today was a hard day at work. I had a really tough client followed by hearing some discouraging things from a teacher and director. But I’m learning to advocate for my clients, for myself, and celebrate the little wins. Sometimes I feel like what i’m doing is so minimal and useless but this is where I’m supposed to be for now. And at the end of the day, I’m still grateful that this is my job, I’m so grateful I get to be with Maddy, I’m grateful she is in good hands while I’m at work, and what more can I ask for?
Thanks for coming along on day 3! I ended this at 2AM!!! So cheers to improvement. See you tomorrow 🙂
One Response
Very touching sharing of your inner thoughts and struggles. May God bless you all.