A Countdown to Madelyn’s First! Post 2 of 7
Wow, thank you so much for all the love and support I received on my last post! I posted this on my instagram already, but I mean it from the very bottom of my heart that every comment and every heart means so much to me because I know time is precious and the fact that you took the time out of your day to read about our family BLOWS ME AWAY.
Please feel free to keep asking questions!! I received some questions about our pregnancy, women mentioning PCOS, and while I don’t have all the questions, I’d love to help in any way possible.
So here we go! Day 2!! I want to talk about…
Our First Few Days with Maddy
One day i’ll write about labor and delivery, but today I want to talk and just reminisce about our first few days with Madelyn. If you ask me about Maddy’s newborn phase, naturally my mind will go to about month 2 or 3. Why? Because the first two weeks, let alone month, was TRULY A BLUR. I remember the moments leading up to me pushing her out, but unless I think really hard about it, those first few days of Maddy were survival mode. But I want to try and remember those first moments and I have some important Thank you’s to make.
In this photo to the left, Tim had just cut Madelyn’s umbilical cord and I was definitely delirious. I think in this very moment, I couldn’t process that Maddy was here. I had spent 3 hours pushing and 9 months pregnant, but nothing could’ve prepared me for what I felt when they first threw (honestly there is no other word hahaha) on me. I’ve been thinking of a word to summarize the feeling, but I can’t. It’s the feeling of relief, fear, shock, a new love I hadn’t felt before, and definitely more shock. I personally didn’t cry, but I understand why most people do.
For 9 months of pregnancy, you have quite a bit of time to wonder how you’ll react. You have a lot of time to think about what’s important. Going into labor, I thought i’d first count her fingers and toes. I was worried I wouldn’t feel attached. I thought I would try to see who she looked like more first, me or Tim? I thought I’d wonder if the name we picked for her was the right name. But when I held her in my arms, all I could think was… this is our baby. This is the baby that God has so graciously blessed us with and what a gift she is. I didn’t care if she didn’t have all 10 fingers or 10 toes (she does hahaha) and I didn’t care if she looked more like Tim or me. I didn’t care how long it took me to push her out. All I could think about was how she was perfect for our family and I already couldn’t imagine life without her. She already had my heart and I knew l that I wanted to protect her and let her know she was loved.
It’s crazy. I’ve loved kids since a young age but I never had a deep desire to be a mom. I knew I wanted to be a mom, but my fears of inadequacy scared me. Yet at that moment, I knew that being Maddy’s mom was going to be my favorite thing.
Oh but don’t worry. The fears of inadequacy were sure to follow and to be honest, I still feel them all the time. The first nights in the hospital, your body is working overtime to heal and my body was working overtime to process the new little life beside me. I am saying this for every mom who’s already had a baby and for every parent who is or anticipates having a baby… ITS GOING TO BE OKAY. Every cry, every uncertainty is so SO overwhelming those first two weeks.
Are you changing the diaper right? Is that a diaper rash? Is poop supposed to look like that? Is the car seat in correct? Is the child safe? Are they breathing? Is this how a baby latches onto the nipple? Is my nipple supposed to be on fire? There are a million thoughts running through your mind. Foreign and intrusive thoughts. But also thoughts of how can I love this little human so much already? When will she wake up again? I wonder what she’s thinking? Do you think she likes being here? These thoughts would run at a hundred miles per hour and no one can prepare you for them. No one can help you answer every single question perfectly either, but don’t feel bad when you google everything. I LITERALLY googled EVERYTHING. Googled how much she was supposed to eat, googled what different poop colors meant. I googled how to swaddle. I googled which diaper brand was best and why. hahaha. I’m still googling 12 months later, but with less frequency and a lot less guilt.
In those first few days, you really just do your best and show up. People ask how you do it? There’s no rhyme of reason. You just do it. You do it because someone is counting on you and you do it because you’re stronger than you think you are. It’s okay that you’re falling asleep with your eyes open. It’s okay that you’re tired. It’s okay that you don’t know. That doesn’t make you weak. It means you’re human and that’s okay. I wish I could tell myself these things and remind myself to hold on to those fleeting moments a little longer.
Google is your best friend and hopefully helpful nurses and doctors. I think it’s so important to know what resources you have available especially after you go home! So for expecting families, make sure you ask your nurses and doctors 🙂
Going home for the first time with your newborn is also a crazy feeling. When we drove away from the hospital I remember thinking… WHO LET ME DO THIS?! Hahaha I still feel this way quite often. Then walking into your home you left just two days ago feels so different. Not bad different, but different. It takes a lot of adjustment for the baby, a lot of adjustment for you. There’s room for grace on yourself and your baby! I made a lot of mistakes those first few days. I didn’t know Maddy had a diaper rash, I didn’t know she wasn’t getting enough milk that first night home. I was frustrated that I had to heal and couldn’t be as active for her as I wanted, but we made it through! We figured out swaddling. We figured out what worked for us and we settled into a new routine that worked for our adjusted family.
Obviously 12 months later, those first few days don’t seem that hard. But I remember it was HAAARD. I don’t think any amount of googling or book reading or talking to others can prepare you for such a drastic life change. It’s definitely not bad though, you just figure it out and you keep going 🙂 I wish I had taken moments to slow down but I’m doing that now and it feels right.
To end this post, I just want to say some quick thank yous to our family members because we would not have made it through the first two weeks without them.
Thank you Tim. I cannot imagine tirelessly surviving those first weeks with anyone else. Thank you for changing LITERALLY every single diaper during our hospital stay and even those first two weeks (and some as you have just come into the room to correct me…LOL). You gave me room to heal and really showed up. I knew instantly that Madelyn was the luckiest girl in the world to have you as her Appa and i’m the luckiest girl to have you as my husband.
Thank you Jeh (my sister) for getting onto that flight the moment I went into active labor. I told you that you didn’t have to rush, but your presence was of SO much comfort. I will never forget how you bathed me post labor. You saw my bare body in the weakest and got on your knees to help me wash. Time and time again you show up for me. You were and continue to be a safe space for me no matter what life stage we’re in. Thank you.
Thank you Mom. I know it’s been a while since you had to help Jeh give birth, but that day I went into labor, I was shaking in fear. But you woke up as soon as Tim told you we were off to the hospital and I remember you hugged me and told me it was going to be okay. You told me you were already proud of me and that you loved me. Those words gave me the courage I needed to keep going. I was so scared but something about your mom still holding you, even in your late 20’s, and comforting you, is something no one else can do for you. Thank you for every soup you made, for every shower and nap you gave us that first month. You gave us space, you gave us rest. I am so thankful for you.
감사합니다 어머님 (Thank you mother in law). Being away from my family physically has always been difficult, but ever since Tim and I got married, I’m so grateful for the way you’ve embraced me and treated me as your daughter. Thank you for taking care of me during pregnancy, reminding me to eat healthy, for keeping me warm. Thank you for every soy bean soup you made, and for laboring that first month to make seaweed soup. I was so touched to see the way you loved 단비 and me. You are the best 할머님 and we are so lucky to have you.
Thank you 아버님 and Dad. Pregnancy is probably a bit foreign haha but both of you are the best prayer warriors. Even 12 months later, I know Maddy and our family are COVERED in your diligent prayers and love and that’s all we can really ask for. Thank you for being the best grandpas and for loving the three of us with such christ-like love.
Thank you Jeremy. I don’t need to use many words. But you will always make me feel like little Mei. You make me feel sane in the midst of chaos and you show up constantly and quietly. You never make me feel bad, you anticipate my needs without being overbearing. Even after all this time, somehow you know just what I need to hear, even if it’s mostly words not spoken. You give so much of yourself and so generously, I’m so grateful to have a brother like you.
Thank you Michael. Similar to Jeremy, you keep me grounded. You show up quietly with exactly what I want to eat and with the juicy gossip I want to hear hahaha. You give me space to be unfiltered, and raw. You never judge and you just get Tim like I do haha. You’re the best listener and watching you take in Maddy the first time you met her holds a very special core memory in my heart.
Thank you boys (Elliott and Oliver). I feel like in some ways I owe one of the biggest thank yous to YOU guys because you prepared me best for Maddy. You were the first two to teach me of an unconditional love for someone other than myself. You both are prayer warriors and watching you love Maddy and hold her was and continues to be so so so special to me. I love you both.
Thank you to our first visitors and besties. I could spend a LOT of time here, but I’m going to keep it short and simple and very specific to those first days. Thank you Jo, Soph, and Sara for showing up. Not just to the hospital but emotionally and consistently. I feel so lucky to have found friends who love me so well and love my family so well. You guys keep me going :’) Thank you David and Janice for rushing to the hospital before you had to leave to meet Maddy. I knew our Maddy knew you were special people when she insisted on coming the day before you left because she couldn’t wait to meet you guys :). You guys mean so much to us.
Lastly,
Thank you Maddy. You were so gracious to us as we stumbled our way into parenthood. You allowed us safety and comfort to learn. You stared back at us in wonder while we stared at you. You slept well (those first two weeks) haha and you took the bottle well. You didn’t fuss when we shakily maneuvered your limbs into clothes or when we fumbled with the diaper changes. You filled a space in my heart I didn’t know was empty and you settled into this world like a pro. I miss those days when everything was new for you. You came out ready to take on the world and you’re doing so well. Thank you for showing me grace even without trying. I’m going to keep doing my best for you.
